Weeds >

-- Agrestic Elementary School


Nancy Botwin : So, I really think it's important that we remove all soft drinks from the vending machines and replace them with bottled water and naturally sweetened fruit juice.

Celia Hodes : Are you talking about diet soda too? Because I don't think we should take away the diet soda. So many of our girls are watching their weight.

Nancy : All those girls are 11. They shouldn't be dieting.

A woman (about Nancy) : I think she's got a little botie between the eyes.

Celia : That's just naive.

An other woman : She probably treated herself, poor thing. If my husband dropped dead, I'd suck out, lift up and inject anything that moves.

Celia : I know that you've got boys so you may not understand...

Nancy : Understand what? That our children shouldn't be guzzling sugar and chemicals?

Celia : No, we are in total agreement about the sugar. All the sugary drinks should go. So everyone in favor of eliminating the sugary drinks from the vending machines, ladies... Ladies! Wonderful! That's done. Thank you, Nancy Botwin. Head of our healthy children's committee. Now, let's take a break.

The first woman : She's got the big bag. I guess he left her pretty well fixed, huh?

Third woman : I heard there was nothing. They spent all that money on the new kitchen. Have you seen it? It turned out gorgeous.

Celia : So give yourselves a round of applause everyone.

Third woman : I wonder how she's getting by.

First woman : Nancy, we were all just saying how much we love your purse.



-- At Heylia's house

Heylia, Vaneeta, Conrad and the other man are preparing weeds.


Nancy : It's a knock-off. But you can't even tell.

The Black man : Let me see that. Ray should buy one of these. How much you paid?

Nancy : 75 bucks.

Heylia : Ray should take one look at that crooked stitch and then she'd know you're a cheap trick.

Nancy : The stitching on this bag is perfect.

Heylia : Oh yeah. Right there.

Nancy : Goddamn it!

Heylia : Yeah, looking in the dictionary the other day, saw your picture sitting up in there. Right next to "dumbass white chick".

Laughs

Heylia stand up for taking something in the oven.

Nancy : That smells good. I miss carbs.

Vaneeta : My friend Talisha tried no carbs. She ate bacon and eggs for a whole month. I'm talking like 5 dozen eggs and a whole pig a day. She lost 11 pounds. Shit works.

Nancy : My sister does this thing where they leave a cooler bag full of no carb food outside her house everyday. She's lost 17 pounds.

Heylia : We should start this in this neighborhood. Call it the "I'm getting skinny 'cause come nigger stole my bag of food" diet.

The Black : Talisha is still fat.

Vaneeta : She looks good.

The Black : Then why Ronnie dumped her ass?

Vaneeta : 'Cause he found out she was taking his money for little Ron and spending all shit for Shareek. Hey y'all! Why did my son got Adidas?

Nancy : It's stupid to buy expensive shoes for a 3 year old. He'll outgrow them in a day.

Conrad : You're calling black people stupid?

Nancy : And lazy and they also steal.

Heylia : But sings and dances real good.

Conrad : White people steal. Enron, World.com. They've been stealing billions of dollars, flush them through some overseas bank account. Then sit on the beach and count their money.

Heylia : Somebody's been listening to the good reverend Sharp.

Nancy : Maybe black people need to start stealing a little bit bigger.

Conrad : Maybe thought it so.

Nancy : That bag looks a little small.

Everybody stop and look at her.

The Black : You did not just say that!

Heylia : Bitch, I can eyeball an ounce from outer space with my glasses cracked. Give me.

Heylia weighs the bag.

Heylia : Acting like you know, writing checks you ass can't cash.

Conrad : You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the Rain Man of weed right there.

Everybody : Amen!

Nancy : I apologize. I'm still new at this. I stand corrected.

Black guy : Stand? You're on your knees corrected.

Heylia : Getting all beside herself, coming in my house telling about my business, you need to recognize...

Nancy : Alright, alright. Fine. I'm a bitch-ass... bitch.

Laughs

Nancy : Give me a little respect. I'm the biggest game in the private community of Agrestic.

Heylia : Drugs sell themselves biscuit. You ain't shit.

Nancy shows a roll of tickets

Heylia : You still ain't shit. How much you got there?

Nancy tightens her the roll

Heylia : Take that crap off my money. You're not giving me a present. You're paying me for weed.

Nancy : Excuse me for trying to bring a little beauty into an ugly world.

Nancy take the weeds, and look at her watch.

Nancy : Oh shit! It's 2:30.

Heylia : Where are you rushing off to with your ass all on fire? Doctor Phil ain't on 'till 4.

Nancy : Shane's got his grief counselor.

Heylia : Oh right, I'm sorry.

Conrad : Wait, I'll walk you out.

Vaneeta : Damn! Can you imagine them? Boy out, jogging with his daddy, having a good time, and boom! Daddy drops. That could fuck a kid up.

Heylia : You show me who ain't fucked up. Who wants some cornbread?

The others : Yeah.

Nancy and Conrad are going to Nancy's car.

Conrad : You alright?

Nancy : I'm fine. I'm just late.

Conrad : You're sure?

Nancy : Conrad, we do business, not personal.

Conrad : You know I'm full service. Andy didn't tell you that when he hooked us up.

Nancy : I believe my brother-in-law's exact words were "dude, meet the finest jit with the finest shit.".

Conrad : Jit?

Nancy : I was quoting. I gotta go.

Conrad : Alright. Drive safe. You know where I live at, right?

Nancy : I do. Bye.


-- The night at the Botwin's house.

The boys are watching a TV show.


Nancy : What happened in the guest room?

Silas : Ask Shane.

Nancy : I'm asking both of you.

Shane : I fell through the skylight but don't worry I'm okay. Turn the show back on!

Nancy : There's a huge hole in the ceiling. What the hell were you doing up there?

Silas : Lupita told him to get down.

Lupita : I tell him, Mrs.

Shane : I didn't hear her.

Silas : Come on! Deaf girl on Douise Street could hear her.

Shane : She's not deaf, she just talks weird. There's something wrong with her tongue.

Silas : What? Who told you that? She's totally deaf. Dennis Kling says there is nothing wrong with her tongue.

Nancy : Hey!

Shane : What do you mean? What ? Did they french kiss?

Quinn : Hey, Mrs. Botwin!

Nancy : Hey, Quinn! You want some chili?

Quinn : Nah, I'm good.

Silas : That's right, Shane. They french kissed.

Quinn : Who french kissed?

Silas : Dennis Kling and Megan Beals.

Quinn : Oh! They did a whole lot more than...

Nancy : Quinn!

Quinn : Hey! How's your shoulder?

Shane : I'm totally okay. Can I have the remote now? Please!

Nancy : You were here when he fell?

Quinn : Officially I was at Kim's house working on a science project.

Nancy : Officially?

Shane : Yeah, they were making out! But nothing naked.

Quinn : Shut up!

Nancy's biper ringing

Nancy : Oh! I gotta go out for a second.

Shane : Where are you going?

Nancy : It's a neighborhood watch thing. I'll be right back.

Nancy gives back the remote to Shane

Silas : Wanna fool around?

Quinn : Sure.

The guy on TV : I told you! You can't miss the bear!

Lupita : I love this show!


-- Nancy is in her car when Josh comes out of her sit.


Josh : Boo!

Nancy : Christ! Josh!

Josh : You need to relax.

Nancy : My husband died of an heart attack. You wanna orphan my kids? So what's up?

Josh : My guy went on this yoga retreat in Redlands. And he won't be back for a week, I was just wondering if you could help me out.

Nancy : He didn't take care of you before he left?

Josh : They've been playing Winged Migration at the Plex for the midnight show all week. Wiped me out. Shit hasn't gone this fast since the Passion of the Christ.

Nancy : People got stoned for the Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.

Josh : That's not as disturbing as watching it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight up snuff film.

Nancy : Why don't you take the week off?

Josh : that just goes so against my christian work ethic, Mrs. B. Come on, help me out. I'd do it for you.

Nancy : I don't need you to. My guy doesn't do yoga.

Josh : Cash.

Nancy : Josh!

Josh : Come on! I was at the orthodontist the other week and I heard all about Shane's over-bike. It's gotta be costing some serious green.

Nancy : You're gonna play by the rules?

Josh (singing) : One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in my glove.

Nancy : Listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids. Are we clear?

Josh : They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. No grass in the field, no grass will they yield.

Nancy : You're a poet.

Josh : You know it!

Nancy : It's getting late, you want a ride home?

Josh : No, I'll be good, it's the suburb, safe to walk the streets at night and all that. Wow. You should take it easy with the lattés, Mrs. B. Don't kid yourself, caffeine is a serious drug.

Nancy : Go away now, Josh.

Josh : Later, Mrs. B.


-- At a footbal game... Nancy is dealing...


A parent : Let's go, D. Come on, hassle out there!


Shane is push down by two of his own teammates


Nancy : Ref, what's the matter with your whistle!

Celia : Well, technically, Nancy, ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Nancy : Oh. Look at Isabel go. How is she doing with her nutrionist?

Celia : Oh, fine. Fine. She lost 3 pounds.

Nancy : In just 4 months, good for her.

Celia : She has a very slow metabolism. We're thinking on putting her on thyroid medication. Why she couldn't take after my side of the family? I will never know.

Isabelle : Did you see my kick?

Celia : Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isabelly. That's what burns the fat.

Nancy : Kick was great, Isabel.

Celia : Yes, it was.

Isabelle : Yeah. I'm just gonna go get a drink.

Celia : Water or diet soda only! You know, I love Dean but he has ruined my children. He has. Quinn has his asthma. Isabel has inherited his unfortunate build. Breaks my heart. But we all have our crosses to bear. Oh look, I think Shane is bleeding.

Shane's teammate : Ew! Shane just licked his own blood!

All the teammates : Ew!

Celia : Maybe he needs more iron in his diet.


Nancy is healing Shane knee.


Nancy : Here you go. Okay. Let the healing begin.

Shane : Can we go home now? Please.

Nancy : It's not even half time.

Shane : I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

Celia : No, you gotta tough it out, little man. See, that's what your father would have said.

Nancy : How about this? How about you relax and have a drink and sit out this quarter and you'll play again in the second half, okay? Okay?

Shane : Fine. Can I have fruit punch?

Nancy : You can even have fruit punch. I love you.

Celia : You know... From all the books I have read, you should really be encouraging Shane and Silas to talk about Juda's death. Or down the road, you're looking at two very dysfunctional adults who will have trouble sustaining healthy relationships.

Nancy : Celia.

Celia : What?

Nancy : I had no idea you read books.

Celia : Well...

Doug : Hey, Nancy! How is it going?

Celia : Douglas, do you know where your son Josh is right now? And what he's doing?

Doug : Yeah, yeah. He's over there somewhere.

Celia : And he just happens to be...

Doug : Hey, Nancy, I was wondering if you..

Nancy : There are really nice stuff in here, Doug.

Doug : Okay.  That's great.

Nancy : It's kinda expensive but I promise you it's worth every penny.

Doug : Really? Well, you haven't let me down yet, Nanc'. Thank you.

Nancy : You're welcome. Catch you later. I'll see you later, Doug.

Doug : Oh... okay. Yeah, later.

Nancy : He's trying to find something nice for Dana. Her birthday's coming up.

Celia : Yeah, well, if he really wanted to do something nice for his wife, he'd ship that delinquent son of his off to military school. Will you look at that? The little scumbag sells drugs right on the playground. Nobody does anything about it. That's it! I'm gonna call the police.

Nancy : Oh please! Save your weekend minutes! The kid will drop whatever he's got by the time he sees them marching through the sandbox. Which means nothing to arrest him for.

Celia : Somebody's been watching Law & Order.

Nancy : Just the reruns. I've been finding Jerry Orbach oddly confident.

Celia : You are such a brave widow. Alright, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna chase that little fucker out of here. Oh! Did you hear? They found a 10 year old with marijuana in his lunch box yesterday.

Nancy : A 10 year old?

The coach : Put that on your ankle.

Teammate : But I wanna play. We're short one.

Shane : I guess I could go back in, coach.

Coach : What? Oh, huh, Botwin. Huh... There's only a few minutes left in the half. It really wouldn't make a difference. And you, just sit there and ice that ankle so you can play after the break. You hear me, cowboy? The Hurricanes don't fully blow unless you are out there.

Shane : Coach, did you mean to say that to Devon because I think the Hurricanes blow especially hard when I'm out there.

Coach : You watch yourself, Botwin. Alright way to go Hurricanes.

Shane : Actually you should alternate cold and hot every 20 minutes.

Devon : Don't even talk to me, weirdo.

Shane : Fine. I was just trying to help.

Devon : I don't need your help, lipstick.

Shane : Lipstick?

Devon : Your fruit punch lipstick. Fruit punch! It's perfect: fruit for the fruit! Or are you just pretending it's blood? 'Cause we all know now that you love the taste of blood. Is that it, vampire?

Shane : Okay, I’m confused. Am I weirdo, lipstick, fruit punch or vampire? You really need to pick an insult name and stick to it.

Devon : How about orphan boy?

Shane throw a soda on Devon...

Devon : I'm going to kill you! You little freak!

Nancy : Shane...

Devon : You are so dead!


Nancy stop Devon by making him down with her foot.


Nancy : Devon, honey, you really need to watch where you're going.


-- Silas and Quinn are laid down on a table, talking...

Quinn : Well, it's never gonna happen at my house. My mom's probably got like spy cameras in the light fixtures.

Silas : Come on!

Quinn : You think I'm kidding? This is a woman who put one of those stuffed teddy bear nanny cams in the pantry so she can see if Isabel was sneaking food.

Shane : I am so dead! I am so dead! Is he coming?

Silas : There is no one chasing you, Shane. Are you wearing lipstick?

Quinn : That's not lipstick, it's fruit punch.

Shane : I throw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.

Silas : That was stupid.

Shane : He called me orphan boy.

Silas : He's a fuckwad.

Quinn : Did you hit him?

Shane : No, just grazed him.

Silas : Oh! It's bad! You can't miss the bear!

Quinn : What bear?

Shane :  I missed the bear! The shot was nowhere his optimum kill zone.

Quinn : What are you talking about?

Silas : Don't you watch Bear Hunt? On the Wilderness Channel?

Quinn : Somehow I've missed it.

Shane : It's only the best show in the history of television.

Silas : Every week, these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks. They go out and they kill a bear.

Quinn : That's horrible!

Shane : No, it's so awesome.

Silas : He's right!

Shane : He's got a big enough gun to get the job done. Oh and tell her about CGS!

Silas : Shane! You're gonna wet yourself!

Shane : Shut up! You're just as into it.

Quinn : CGS?

Silas : Carter Grizzli Suck. He's the host. At the end of each show, he's got...

Shane : He has the head of the bear that they shot that week.

Silas : Right, right. And he leaves you with these, like, wise parting words like "You can't miss the bear! Or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mamma at Christmas morning."

Quinn : Okay, we are breaking up.

Silas : Come on! Think of the time this will save us on foreplay. Just whisper "shoot me in the optimum kill zone"... I'll be good to go.

Quinn : I could whisper "linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

Shane : Are you finally gonna do it? Thank God! He's been going crazy!

Silas : Shane! Shut the fuck up!


-- Doug is in his car smoking some pot...


Nancy : Doug...

Doug : Jesus, Nancy, you weren't kidding, this stuff is primo. You wanna climb in?

Nancy : Unless you wanna go back to buying ditch weed from your housekeeper's cousin, I suggest you clue away the pipe, the open bag of pot and get your head over your ass. What are you thinking?

Doug : What?

Nancy : You're on the goddamn city council. What if someone like Celia walked by?

Doug : She's such a bitch! Great tits but a raging bitch! Her husband's boning the tennis pro.

Nancy : The Asian girl?

Doug : She loved him long time.

Nancy : Doug, she's from Anaheim. Not Bangkok. She can't shoot tennis balls out of her twat.

Doug : Last week, she stuck the end of a racket up Dean's ass when he was blowing her. He said it felt unbelievable. But you know if you ask me, any guy who lets anything up there is at least part fag.

Nancy : How do you know all this?

Doug : He's in the poker game.

Nancy : And he just shared it with you?

Doug : He was losing, drank too much.

Nancy : Did Juda ever say anything about our sex life at these games?

Doug : No, no. The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't wanna jinx it by saying something out loud. It was a great guy, Nanc'. I miss him a lot.

Nancy : Yeah, me too. If only he had lived long enough for me to stick foreign objects up his ass... I never even got a finger up there.

Doug : You're an amazing lady.

Nancy : And you're an idiot. Air out the van. And keep your smoke private. You hear me?

Doug : Yeah, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. We're cool?

Nancy : We're cool when you pay me. Now we're cool.

Doug : Hey, hey, hey! I was just getting into that! You know, it's all about textures this fall.

Nancy : Give my love to Dana.

Doug : Right, right, will do. Hey, Dana wants to either call about taking a class of vegetable gardening or vegetable cooking. Something with vegetables. Vegetable carving maybe.

Josh : Excuse me, ma'am, have you heard the good news about Jesus?

Nancy : You made me a promise, you little shit.

Josh : Hey! Take it easy! I won't sneak up on you anymore.

Nancy : I just heard a 10 year old got busted, a 10 year old, you fucking liar!

Josh : The kid told me he was 37.

Nancy : You promised me no kids.

Josh : Yeah, but they all want it. And they cry if you say no.

Nancy : Josh...

Josh : I just sold him shake.

Nancy : He's 10.

Josh : Look, when you opened shop here, I was totally cool with you, you know. And you took away a lot of my parent business but I let it go.

Nancy : It's not okay to sell to little kids.

Josh : Let their parents worry about it. I'm selling to whoever's buying, okay?

Nancy : You're not! No, you're not.

Josh : No? What are you gonna do? You're gonna tell on me? My dad is over there getting baked in the minivan. He'll just be pissed that I was holding out on him. Don't worry... I will never sell to Shane, okay?

Nancy : You're a kid. You're just a stupid irresponsible kid.

Josh : And you're a hypocrite. "Keep kids off drugs" cries the pot-dealing mom. But you know, if it gets you through the night... good for you, Nanc'. I'll see you around.

Shane : Can we go now? I hate soccer and Devon Rensler called me orphan boy.

Nancy : Devon Rensler is a fuckwad. Get in the car. Are you two coming?

Silas : Yeah.

Quinn : Yeah. Can we have sex in your house?


-- Nancy & Quinn are on the roof of Nancy's house.


Nancy : So you guys really think you're ready?

Quinn : Yeah. I've tortured him enough. I mean, we've been going out for almost 3 months already.

The phone is ringing

Nancy : Whole three months...

Quinn : But I trust him. And I think he loves me.

Nancy : I think you're right about that but you guys are only 15.

Shane : Mom! Mom!

Nancy : Shane! We're up on the roof. Who called?

Shane : Quinn's mom. She's on her way over.

Quinn : Great.

Nancy : Go warn your brother.

Shane : Silas!

Quinn : She's gonna make you swear that Silas and I are never in a room alone without the door open and the feet on the floor. She's such an uptight prude. No wonder my dad is screwing Helen Chen.

Nancy : You know about that?

Quinn : I had my suspicions. You just confirmed them.

Nancy : Oh shit.

Quinn : Look, Mrs. Botwin, I think you're really cool but Silas and I are ready.

Nancy : You say that but you don't know.

Quinn : You never know. When I had sex with my last boyfriend...

Nancy : Sex with your last boyfriend?

Quinn : Yeah. What? Did you think we were virgins? I'm climbing down. See you in the house. Oh check it out. Mr. Wells has a new boy toy.

Nancy : He... what? I didn't know he had an old one.

Quinn : Yeah, that guy Raoul from the security patrol but they broke up a while ago. Hand me the binoculars. Oh! Oh no way! I know that guy. His dad would so freak if he knew that Josh was gay. This is so funny.

Nancy : Josh? Josh Wilson, Josh?

Quinn : Yeah. I think he's a pot-dealer or something.

Nancy : I know nothing.


-- Nancy go knock at the door of Mr. Wells
Josh is in the room, Mr. Wells come and open the door.


Josh : If it's a girl scouts, get the mint cookies.

Mr. Wells : Yes?

Nancy : Just one second.

Mr. Wells : Wait! Who are you?

Nancy : I'll just be a second.

Mr. Wells : Excuse me!

Nancy : Your dad may not care about the dealing but from what I'm hearing this could really upset him.

Josh : Okay. You win. No kids, ever, I promise.

Nancy : Your promises aren't worth much.

Josh : I swear on my life, okay? Just... you can't say anything, you don't know what my dad is really like.

Nancy : No, I don't.

Mr. Wells : What's going on?

Nancy : You think you know a person...

Mr. Wells : He said he was 23.

Josh : Promise me you're not gonna say anything, please Mrs. B.

Nancy : I'll think about it.

Josh : What does that mean?

Mr. Wells : This is my house! My house!

Josh : What does that mean?

Nancy : See you around, Josh. See you in church.


-- In Nancy's house


Celia : I know everything. I read her diary.

Nancy : You read her diary?

Celia : They're going to have sex. Here. I brought you something

Celia show Nancy a big pink bear.

Celia : It has a camera in it. Just skip it into Silas' room. Flip this switch right under the tail here.

Nancy : I think Silas would notice if a big pink bear suddenly showed in his room. And I'm not gonna spy on my kids. Celia, I trust them.

Celia : Please! They're all liars and sneaks. And it is our job to discover what they're up to and stop it. Are you really that naive?

Nancy : I'm beginning to think I am extremely naive.

Celia : Take the bear.

Nancy : I'm not gonna take the bear.

Celia : Take the bear.

Nancy : No!

Celia : Okay. Fine. Fine. Just promise me, mother to mother, that my daughter and your son will not have sex under this roof. I know that it's hard for you to understand because you have boys but I don't want Quinn turning into some little slut. Like that deaf girl down on Douise Street that gave fellatio to Dennis Kling. Promise me!

Nancy : Fine! Fine! Not under my roof, you have my word as a mother.

Celia : Thank you.

Silas : Pizza's here.

Nancy : Where is my change?

Silas : Here.

Quinn : Oh look Silas! Look at that cute stuffed bear on the table. We used to have one just like it in our pantry. What happened to that bear, mom? I miss that bear.

Shane : You can't miss the bear!

Celia : Oh that is the bear from the pantry. I was just showing it to Nancy.

Silas : Why?

Celia : Why?

Nancy : I've been thinking of investing in one of those "make your own bear" franchise at the mall.

Quinn : Oh right, well, are you gonna keep him? Because I'd love to put him in my room.

Celia : Give me the bear. Give me the bear. He's all yours.


-- Agrestic Elementary School
Shane is hide in a tree watching Devon and his friends.


Devon : Of course, he's not here today. He knows he'd get his ass kicked.

Shane jump from the tree and splash Devon of pink with his plastic gun.

Devon : Quit it! Quit it!

Shane : I think pink is really your colour, you fuckwad! Who's fruit punch now?

-- Nancy's house
Nancy come in a room and find Silas & Quinn in bed...

Nancy : Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. Two of you ditch school to fuck in my guest room. I've got everything under control.

Quinn : Don't you see? Technically we're not under your roof.

Silas : See?


-- At Heylia's house

Conrad : Hey! Come on. It's alright. Heylia. Bring out that pie you made last night, the white lady's having a time over here.

Heylia : Get her skinny ass in here and get her own damn pie. Slave days is over.


-- At Celia's house
Celia plug her pink bear on tv and see her husband cheating on her...

Tenniswoman : Dean!

Dean : Come on!

Tenniswoman : Dean!

Dean : Put it in! Put it in! Oh my God!

On the screen, Quinn appears and tell her mom : "Fuck you"...

Celia : That little cunt! I should have had an abortion.